Life Disconnected
by Aurorajaye
Summary: Explores how Cate & Baze got together in HS, & the pregnancy fall-out. Ryan says love is about "that connection. That charge," and Cate is tired of feeling disconnected. She wants to make a loving family for herself and for Lux, but how and with whom?
1. Chapter 1 That Charge

**Author's Note: I know some of you who have me on Author Alert may never have seen Life Unexpected, but I hope you'll read anyway. Here are the basics: in high school, Nate "Baze" Bazile and Cate had sex after a school dance (though they were not each other's dates). Cate got pregnant, and Baze denied it was his. Cate had the baby, Lux, and gave her up for adoption. **

**Unfortunately, Lux's heart condition made her undesirable to adoptive parents. As such, she bounced around foster care. A series of events recently resulted in Lux being returned to the custody of her birth parents. Cate is a radio personality, engaged to her co-host Ryan, and Baze runs a bar. Now they're trying to make their unusual family work. It's got an Everwood-meets-Gilmore-Girls vibe. **

**Note: This fic contains some quotes from the episode Turtle Undefeated. I own nothing.**

How had Ryan first realized he loved Cate?"She said something sweet—rare, I know—and she put her hand on mine, and I felt it. That connection. That charge, and I knew there was something between us. Sound about right, Cate?" He looked past the microphone, into her soft brown eyes, but her dewy look hardened in an instant.

"Here's a question: why is there a premium on fun?" Kate said, before leaning toward her own mike, sending a rant on Baze's faults as a parent and a person out onto the airwaves. Ryan wondered whether Cate had heard a word he had said, whether she had seen him…whether those soft eyes had even been for him.

* * *

Ryan awakened to a dozen freaked-out messages from Lux, threw on his clothes, and tore across town to the police station, only to discover he was too late: Cate had already been released. A call from Alice led Ryan to Open Bar, and he walked in to find Cate's hand on Baze's. _That connection. That charge. _Ryan could feel it in the air. _We lost the charge and they found it again. Or maybe Cate just carries it around with her, shocking the hell out of any man she touches._ He shook off the bizarre thought.

Cate snatched her hand from Baze's when Ryan walked in. If she hadn't, then maybe Ryan could have convinced himself that this whole thing was in his head, that had nothing to worry about, but the guilty move away from Baze had stung. Ryan was dazed, but heard Kate say, "I can't believe that you came all the way down here."

"Glad I did."

Ryan's tone wasn't lost on Baze. He couldn't meet Ryan's eyes. When Cate and Ryan had temporarily broken up, Baze and Cate had slept together, but Baze wasn't going to tell anyone. Cate loved Ryan. Ryan was good for her. Cate and Baze's recent fling was a bout of insanity.

Baze and Cate together were tequila. Of all the liquors he served in the bar, tequila was the most dangerous. It was an acquired taste, but once some people acquired it, they couldn't get enough. Tequila was a depressant (like all alcohol), but it also contained a stimulant. It made some people euphoric and wild, some sexy, and others violent and mean. Tequila could turn on a person so fast he or she could never even stand to smell it again. Yes, he and Cate were tequila. They had been together a total of two nights out of their lives—two nights that had resulted in a baby, endless screaming matches, fifteen years of silence, the return of their now-teen daughter, and the return of the screaming— broken now by the occasional awkward silence or, more rarely, civil conversation. He should have been at the tequila-makes-me-sick phase. Even a whiff of it should have sent Baze running for cover. Instead, he wanted to grab a saltshaker and start slicing limes. Hence, he couldn't look at Ryan.

Baze really didn't want Ryan to find out that Lux's conception wasn't the last time he and Cate had slept together. He wasn't ready for that. A month ago, he'd just been hanging out with his friends, doing body shots off of tipsy college chicks. His life had been fun and easy: hanging out with his friends, scraping together just enough cash to pay rent. Hell, he'd still done his laundry at his parents' house. He'd been 32 years old, but he hadn't really been a man. Now, all of a sudden, Baze was a dad. Becoming a man his daughter could be proud of was hard enough without dragging Kate into it.

After Lux came downstairs to talk to Baze, Ryan tromped out of the bar and Cate followed him.

"Ryan, I'm so sorry."

"For what, Cate? For dragging me out of bed? For getting arrested? For spending the night with Baze?"

The color drained from Cate's face. She quickly realized when Ryan said, "spent the night with Baze," he only meant hanging out tonight, but for a second, she'd been terrified that Ryan knew about her stupid second fling with Nate Bazile.

"I was just checking up on Lux's party!"

"And how did that lead to you two getting arrested together?"

"Lux stole a keg for her party, and when Baze found out, he and Lux had an argument." Ryan raised an eyebrow, as this was perhaps the most parental action he'd heard attributed to Baze. "Anyway, after the argument, for some reason, Bug took her for a joyride in a classmate's car. The kid reported the car stolen, and we were trying to explain things to the police officer. I just touched his shoulder, and…"

"Wait, you touched a cop?"

"Yes. Not disrespectfully. I just tapped him to get his attention, and…"

"Cate, everyone knows you don't touch a cop!" Ryan exclaimed with a disbelieving laugh.

"Hey, Baze didn't know either, apparently!"

"Speaking of Baze…"

"Do we_ have_ to speak of Baze?"

"Look, when I walked in, it just seemed pretty...intense between you two. What was that all about?"

"That's just the way it's always been," Cate said. "Since day one."

* * *

**AN: Please leave a comment. Thanks!**


	2. Chapter 2 Day One: The Winter Formal

**Ch. 2- Day One- The Winter Formal  
**

"Hey, are you okay?"

Cate was slumped on the asphalt, crying. She looked up to see who was talking to her. Just her luck: it was her crush Nate Bazile, noticing Cate for the first time during the most humiliating moment of her life.

All she'd wanted was to be alone for a minute. Frankie Palladino—who had given her a rose when he asked her to the dance two weeks ago—had ditched Cate because she wouldn't give him a blow job in the school parking lot while everyone else was distracted by the arrival of the MEDEVAC helicopter. They'd gone back inside and danced once or twice, but she could feel the tension in Frankie's shoulders. He was pissed.

The more Frankie acted ticked off, the madder Cate got. Eventually, she told him, "If you're going to be like this about it, I'm glad I didn't do anything with you!"

"Whatever, ice princess. I'm out of here." And he'd just left her standing there in her stupid, long, satiny blue dress—the same dress that was probably getting ruined, because she was sitting on the ground in the parking lot.

Cate wiped her eyes and looked up to see Nate Bazile looking at her. He had a bottle in his hand _Is that Zima?_ and the Spin Doctors' "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" was playing on the tape deck of his van.

"It's cold out here. Come on," he said, taking her hand and leading Cate into the van. He slammed the door shut behind them, opened a clear bottle and handed it to her. She sipped the Zima and made a face.

"Here, I've heard it makes it taste better," he said, unwrapping a Jolly Rancher and slipping in mouth of her bottle.

"God knows it couldn't hurt," she said, dryly.

Baze laughed. "That's funny." _I didn't know Cate could be funny._ Usually he just annoyed the hell of out him and made him want to pull his hair out.

At his laugh, Cate glowed. She loved Nate Bazile. She tried not to—knew she shouldn't— but she couldn't help it. Of course, _everyone_ loved Nate Bazile. Despite the trouble he got into, teachers and the principal adored him. The student body worshipped him, including her own little sister. And yet, Cate was supposed to be smarter than that. He was just some shallow pretty boy who never seemed to care about anything. Hell, his date to the dance had been MEDEVACed to the hospital for a stomach pumping, and instead of being by her side, Nate Bazile was drinking in the parking lot with Cate.

Yes, he was handsome: he had an athletic build, thick brown hair, and a contagious smile, but he was unsuitable for her. Cate had been sure he would never notice her, anyway. To remind herself that Nate was off limits, she picked fights. In classes, she would correct his answers to teachers. They were both on student council (Baze due to popularity, and Cate because her classmates realized someone had to do the work), and she routinely called him on his lack of effort toward achieving class and council goals.

Basically, she annoyed him enough to sabotage her chances with him. Cate had never realized that she'd had a chance—never realized that she was pretty, with her shiny brown hair and eyes. But now, they were alone. There were no classmates around to see them, or remind them of who they were supposed to be. Right now, they were two people commiserating over lost dates.

"How'd you lose your date?" Baze asked.

Cate blushed up to the roots of her hair. She couldn't bring herself to admit that she'd been dumped over fellatio, yet for some reason, she couldn't lie to Baze, either. "Um, he wanted to…go faster than I did."

He nodded. _Of course he wanted to go faster. We always want to go faster. Too bad Palladino had to be a dick about it. I mean, does he really think girls go for that?_ Baze wondered.

"Sorry he was such a jerk," Baze said. "God, like I'm one to talk. I got my date so drunk that she's off getting her stomach pumped."

Kate had to stop herself from making the usual knee-jerk criticism of Baze. He was beating himself up enough for both of them. "What happened?"

"I didn't realize she hadn't eaten anything," Baze said, staring at the upholstery on the van floor. "I guess she'd been starving herself to fit in that stupid dress. And the paramedics found diet pills in her purse. I swear, I didn't know."

He looked really upset, and she reached out to take his hand. When she did, she felt a spark. Both of their eyes popped open in surprise. There had always been tension between them, but before now it had always manifested as bickering annoyance. He was a dumb jock. She was a goody-two-shoes geek. And yet, when they touched…

The music shifted to Two Princes, and as the drumbeat rolled, suddenly Cate and Baze were all over each other. For once, Cate's too-loud brain shut up. She wasn't worried about the future, or whether this was a smart decision. For once, Nate's brain shut up, too. He didn't wonder what his friends would think of this, or how his Dad would react.

All either of them could think about was how good it felt too be kissing each other, touching each other. All they could think about was how to get free of the clothing that was keeping too much of their skin apart.

* * *

**AN- Sometimes I accidentally call Nate Bazile "Ryan." Oops. Let me know if I miss any. More on the night of the winter formal, or should I skip ahead to when Cate realized she was pregnant? Let me know.  
**


	3. Chapter 3 Living Alone

**AN- Wow! I thought this was an inactive fandom because their aren't many stories posted, but you readers are awesome! I guess it's just that the show is so new. I hope you enjoy my story. I decided to cover a little more of the night of the formal and make connections to the present day. I'll probably have Cate discover she's pregnant in the next chapter. Enjoy!**

* * *

**After the dance**

Before the night of the winter formal, Cate had been scared to have sex. It had so many risks, and all for what? A good time and, if you were lucky, an orgasm? What had that ever gotten her mom but heartbroken?

But that was before Baze had touched her. They came together in a flurry of touches and moans. It had hurt, and part of Cate felt it, but the rest of her felt electric pleasure at his touch. All she cared about was getting closer to Baze. Logically, she knew getting closer was impossible, but it didn't matter. Even being joined wasn't close enough.

Baze was just as frantic. It was weird, almost like he'd never done this before. What was it about Cate? Usually, he had control, but he couldn't get that mental distance. He could only focus on her body against his. By the end of Two Princes, it was over. Baze was a little embarrassed it had been so quick, but kissed Cate gently and touched his forehead to hers. He nuzzled her neck, and she sighed happily. A moment later, he passed out.

"Great," Cate muttered. "Of course. That is just PERFECT. Nate? Baze? BAZE!" He didn't wake up.

It took some effort, but she managed to wriggle out from under him. She grabbed his jacket from the front seat and rolled it up to make a pillow. She put it under his head, turning him on his side so that he wouldn't choke if he puked while passed out. She'd done it for her mom plenty of times, but Baze was more challenging, because he was a lot bigger and heavier.

She needed to get home. If Cate didn't, her sister would worry (she worried about everything). Cate and Baze were too drunk to drive. Her mom might be, too, but there was a chance. She left the van. Halfway across the parking lot, she saw one of Baze's best friends. "You need to check on Baze," she told him. "I heard a rumor that he passed out in his van, and he'll freeze to death if he stays like that all night." "Thanks, Cathy," he guy replied. "I'll make sure he gets home." "Actually, it's Cate," she muttered under her breath, "But why should you know that? You and I are only in three classes together." The dance was still going strong when Cate slipped back into the school. _Weird. _So much had changed for her, but little time had actually passed.

She went to the payphone in the hall, dialed and used her usual collect call routine with the operator. "You have a collect call from Cate School. Do you accept the charges?" the operator asked a moment later. In a relatively clear voice, Mrs. Cassidy replied, "No," and hung up. That meant her mother could pick her up at school. It was a system they'd invented for the Cassidy sisters to reach their mom for free. If her mom had been unable to come, she'd have said "can't" instead of "no."

Cate quickly ran to the bathroom to straighten up before her mom arrived. She freshened her makeup. Then she found a foil condom wrapper in her hair. _Oh, God! I hope no one saw that._ It was incredibly worn. She looked closer and saw the expiration date on the edge. _1991? He has he been carrying this damn thing in his wallet for more than two years? How bad is it to use an expired condom? _She shook off the worry. To get pregnant, the condom would have to be faulty, plus she would have to be ovulating.

She was about to throw out the wrapper, but instead put it in her purse. Otherwise, she might wake up tomorrow, unable to believe it had actually happened.

Cate dashed outside and stood on the sidewalk to wait for her mom. "Honey, what happened to your date?" Her mom shouted as Cate approached the car. "Oh, he…" Cate was used to lying, both to her mom and for her mom, but for some reason, she couldn't come up with a lie. "Frankie Palladino is a jerk."

"But he was so cute, honey! I don't know what you expect from a guy. You need to have more realistic expectations or you're going to be alone for the rest of your life."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Cate muttered.

* * *

**After Baze and Ryan's "Hands on a Hybrid" fist fight:**

Maybe things would have been okay if Cate had told Ryan she had slept with Baze again the very day it happened, before she and Ryan reconciled; the moment when Ryan asked her in front of the bar; or that terrible day when Baze had been a guest on their radio show. Any of those moments would have been better times to tell Ryan than at the Hands on a Hybrid competition. She told him the truth, he walked out the door, and she lost Lux in the next breath.

Her beautiful, blonde daughter had looked up at her with tears in her eyes and so much hope. She begged Cate to take in her best friend, Natasha. Cate felt so torn. Part of her wanted to do it. No kid should have to live the way Lux and Natasha had been living, and Lux was begging: "I'll never ask you for anything again. I promise!" But the other half of Cate wouldn't let her say "Yes." The other half of her was screaming: _You can barely handle Lux! You've already ruined things with Ryan. You've probably screwed over your career, too. You want to take in some rebellious kid you barely know?_

"I can't, Lux," Cate said, swiping away tears. "I just can't."

The next thing she knew, Baze had gotten permission for shared custody of Lux, and Lux was moving in with him. Her daughter claimed it was to be fair—to give Baze a chance to bond with Lux the way Cate had. She wanted to believe Lux, but Cate could feel her slipping away again. This time it would hurt more. Last time, Cate had thought she was giving up her baby to make a better life for all of them. This time, her daughter was more than a flutter in her belly or a crying pink bundle the nurses whisked away. Now, she was _Lux_, and there was no upside to watching her go. Cate binged on ice cream and red wine.

_That'll help--turning into Mom,_ Cate thought, sarcastically. _Next thing you know, I'll hooking up with inappropriately young men and drinking wine out of a box. _ But she poured another glass anyway.

* * *

**AN- 1- Please leave a comment. I really appreciate them.  
**

**2- The alcoholism storyline the real writers have created is such a downer in an already-emotionally-fraught show. I hope it doesn't become overbearing.  
**

**3- Mental math: Cate was class of 94, and I believe she said she had Lux when she was Lux's age. No one knew, though. As such, I assumed the dance was in early December 1992, and she gave birth in early September 1993. Her junior year would have ended before she was showing too much. Perhaps she missed the first week or two of her senior year. That's assuming the pilot was set in 2009. If it was set in 2010, she would have given birth months after she graduated from high school. Some people (especially those with summer birthdays) graduate at 17. Either version would explain why kids they went to school with didn't know Kate had been pregnant. Did I get all that correct? Which timeline do you think it was? What year of school did Cate get pregnant?  
**


	4. Chapter 4 Truth Unaccepted

**AN- By audience request, we go to Cate realizing she is pregnant. Enjoy.  
**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 3- Truth Unaccepted

On TV and in the movies, it usually took girls a while to realize they were pregnant. Someone would mention the date, and the woman would start counting on her fingers. She would wake up one morning needing to puke. That is not how it was for Cate.

Cate was a pessimist. She tried to see the bright side, but it was hard. When she had gotten home from the dance, she'd looked at her organizer to see when her next period would start. Then, she marked her calendar with a countdown. When she got to the day it was supposed to arrive, Cate was not surprised that nothing happened. She held out some hope that her period was just late, but four days later she went to Planned Parenthood. She didn't want to waste time or money on a home pregnancy test.

The doctor discussed her options and gave her pamphlets on adoption, abortion and keeping the baby. The next day, she approached Baze in the parking lot at school. _Returning to the scene of the crime, _she thought.

"Hey, Nate. Can I talk to you?"

"Sure, Cate. Listen, if this is about the dance, I totally should have called. We should hang out sometime."

"Can we talk in private?" She gestured toward the van.

"Really?" he asked, raising his eyebrow in surprise.

"Wow. No, not really. Not like that. God, Nate, don't you think about anything but sex?"

"Well..."

"Nate, this is important, okay." Maybe it was better to say it out here where she could get away quickly. "I'm pregnant."

Baze was silent for a long moment, then said, "So?"

"'So?' Seriously, that's your response? _'SO?'_"

"Sorry? Congratulations? What do you want me to say, Cate?"

"I don't know, Baze. 'What can I do to help? We'll get through this together.' Something like that, maybe?"

"Wait, you're claiming it's _mine?_"

"_Claiming_ it's yours? I'm not _claiming_ anything. It's yours, Nate."

"But it was just one time and we used a condom."

"Yeah, let's talk about that condom! I found the wrapper after. That thing was from the Reagan administration! For future reference, condoms expire, and if you keep them in your wallet too long, getting rubbed and poked by other stuff, they can get holes. The holes might be too small to see, but so are SPERM, you asshole." She had been digging in her purse during this rant, and ended it by smacking the worn wrapper against his chest. He looked at it, embarrassed. Then Nate remembered his father's warning that girls try to trap guys who have money.

"Look, I know my dad's kind of rich, if that's what this is about, but..."

"You know what, Baze? Thanks," Kate interrupted, a bitter lump in her throat, "You just told me everything I needed to know." She stormed away, head held high.

"Cate!" he yelled.

She turned and looked at him, her eyes full of tears. Cate's tears convinced Baze the way nothing else could have. Nate opened his mouth, but no words came out. He wanted to hug her and say things that would make her stop crying, but he didn't move. He didn't speak.

They didn't speak again for sixteen years.

* * *

**AN- So sad. Comments are always appreciated.  
**


	5. Chapter 5 Out of Darkness

**AN- Sorry for the update delay. Computer issues! Plus the emotional complexity of this story requires time and effort. Readers have requested to see the parental reaction to Cate's pregnancy, but I can't write that until I track down old episodes to review what happened with Cate's Dad. I'm working on it, I promise. Hopefully this will tide you over. **

**Note: "The d-word" is used below. I considered changing it, but I honestly believe it's what Baze would say in this situation.  
**

**

* * *

  
**

"Seriously? That's the last thing you ever said to her?"

"Pretty much. I tried to talk to her once. I called her name in the hall and she did that thing where you pretend you don't hear it. Maybe she didn't hear me. Who knows?"

Lux and Baze were on the way to Cate's house. She'd invited them to dinner, and Baze had accepted. Lux hadn't been thrilled with the idea, so Baze had offered to strike a deal.

* * *

"I get to ask you questions about you and Cate and you have to answer," Lux had proposed.

_What could she ask that could possibly be worse than what she already knows?_ "Fine," he had agreed.

So far at her request, he'd given her a run-down of teenage adventures—laws and hearts he'd broken. He'd given her a tastefully vague recounting of the night of the dance.

"Did you really say I wasn't yours?"

Baze hung his head, embarrassed. "Yeah," he said. "I was a dick."

"Wow. Don't sugar-coat it on my behalf. Seriously, what happened?"

* * *

So he'd told her the story on the day Cate had approached him in the parking lot, and the terrible things he'd said.

"Because of your dad?"

"Because of my dad, because I was young and spoiled and stupid. Because I was scared. God, Cate scared me."

"You mean _I_ scared you."

"No, I mean Cate…since we first met. She just gets under my skin, you know?"

Lux laughed.

"What?" Baze asked.

"Nothing. You two are just so much alike. I get it, now," Lux said. She thought about telling him Cate's words, but decided it wasn't hers to tell. Besides, he might not get it. Cate had said Baze made her feel like that high school girl with the inferiority complex, never feeling good enough. Lux could see that Baze may have been a popular football god, but he'd felt just as inferior to Cate, and he still feels that way.

_God, that's scary, _Lux thought._ I thought growing up was supposed to help. What if I never feel less scared than this?_

They arrived at the house, and Lux unlocked the front door. She thought Cate was probably in the kitchen.

"I know you thought Cate got an abortion, but didn't you go to the same school? How did you not notice she was still pregnant? Wasn't she like five months along by the end of the school year?"

"Okay, I've been wondering about that, too. Lucky for Cate, the grunge look was in…"

"Overalls, oversized t-shirts, loose babydoll dresses and men's flannel shirts," Cate said softly. She'd been sitting in the living room the whole time. "The real secret, though, is to start wearing the baggy clothes while you're still skinny. If you wait until you start to show, it's obvious what you're doing."

"That's brilliant," Lux said, her brow furrowed.

"I thought…." Baze said.

"What?" Cate asked.

"The way you dressed. It changed right after we talked, and I thought it was because you… " His voice broke.

"Because I?" Cate asked.

Lux figured it out. "He thought you were, like, mourning or traumatized from 'taking care of it.'"

Baze nodded. "Not at first," Baze said, "But it hit me one day, so I wanted to talk to you. We were in the hall, and I called your name, but you just kept walking. Later, I touched your shoulder to get your attention, and you _winced. _I didn't want to make things worse, so I left you alone."

"Why are we even talking about this?" Cate asked.

"Lux had some questions about how we hooked up in high school and how this whole…situation played out."

"Oh. Well," Kate said warily, "Do you have any questions for me?"

Lux did, but this one was harder, so she stalled. "I don't smell any food."

"I ordered dinner. It should be here any minute. What is it, Lux? What do you want to ask?"

They all sat on the couch, Lux in the middle.

"I know why you put me up for adoption," Lux said, "But I don't get why you…Why did you have me at all?"

"Oh," Cate said. "I…" For once, she was at a loss for words.

Baze had his arm draped along the back of the couch. He could reach Cate's shoulder, so he gave it a reassuring squeeze.

"I don't know," Cate admitted. "It didn't make sense. I'm pro-choice, and if I'd gotten an abortion, everything would have been simpler. No one would ever have to know. But I thought…okay, I did research and learned that adoptive parents were desperate for healthy Caucasian babies. I don't know if it's still true, but back then they tried to match parents to kids by race, and there were tons of white parents, but not enough babies to go around. I talked to a social worker, and she said the fact that I was smart, healthy and didn't drink or do drugs made you even more desirable to potential parents. I was sure they'd find you a good mom and dad, because there were all these people who wanted a baby so much. For once in my life, I did the optimistic thing."

"And we saw how well that worked out," Lux grumbled.

"It _did_," Baze said, abruptly. "Look, I know your childhood sucked. You've been through Hell, and it's not fair. But you're with us now, and you're…you're amazing. It's like a miracle that you're here and you're ours."

Both women turned to him, hair waving around their faces and tears in their eyes. They looked more alike than they ever had before.

"Come on," he said, pulling them in for a hug.

It was kind of awkward, a sitting-down-group-hug, but Lux had never felt anything so amazing in her life. Her actual mom and dad had their arms around her. Her face was hot, and she had a big lump in her throat. Then Lux wasn't just crying; she was wailing. Cate and Nate thought she was crying like a little girl, and it was heartbreaking. Lux had never sobbed as a little girl, though. Lux had learned to cry silently, but right now she couldn't.

Baze was rubbing her back, and Cate was whispering, "Oh, Lux, it's okay. It's okay, baby." That just made Lux cry harder.

The doorbell rang, and Cate and Nate's eyes met. Cate was supporting more of Lux's torso, so he disentangled himself and went to pay for the food. He set the boxes on the coffee table. Now Lux's head was on a pillow in Kate's lap. Kate was playing with her curls. Baze lifted Lux's feet and sat down before putting her feet back. He tried to give her a foot-rub, but Lux was ticklish, so she giggled.

"Stop it!" She sat up slowly, sniffling. "So, what kind did you get?"

They ate cheese pizza and watched Cate's DVDs of My So-Called Life so that Lux could see mid-90s teen fashions in all their glory. Lux quickly fell in love with the show about a high school outsider and her friends, even though it had their eyes welling up again, more than once. Jordan, the aloof love of Angela's life, reminded Lux of Bug, but she didn't say so. The last episode they watched together was Other People's Mothers, where free-spirit Rayanne's mom seems cool and teaches the main character, Angela tarot. Later, though, Rayanne overdoses, and Angela's uncool mom, Patty, saves the day. The show managed not to make it feel like a cheesy Lifetime movie.

"Oh my God, this show is so good," she said, turning to find that her mom was asleep to her right, and her dad to her left. "Old people," she laughed, paused the show and got up to go to the bathroom. When she got back, Nate had slumped over onto Cate, and she had fallen like a domino. Her head was on the arm of the couch, and his was on her shoulder, one arm slung around her waist, so they were basically spooning, but with their feet on the floor.

_They're like magnets. They can't stay away from each other. I should wake them up and separate them,_ she thought. _But how else are they going to learn?_

She sat in the chair and pushed play. The episode ended with Angela talking about the tarot cards while the camera followed different characters around: ""Each card has a name. The magician. The empress. The fool. The wheel of fortune. Strength. They represent challenges and tests. Twists of fate. No card is all good or all bad. Cards can be positive or negative, depending on where they fall. When you read someone's future, they must think of a question, they must hold it in their minds. The cards are read in sequence. Each card leads to the next. They move from terror and loss to unexpected good fortune. And out of darkness, hope is born."

She looked at her parents snuggling on the couch, and grinned. As she left to sleep in her own bed in her own room, Lux could believe Angela's words.

* * *

**AN: Please leave a comment. Thanks!**


	6. Chapter 6 Not for Nothing

**AN- After a few direct e-mails politely requesting a new chapter, here it is. You guys are such a devoted readership! Sorry it took so long. Work keeps me busy, and this show has so many nuances and little things that are hinted at and revealed gradually that I'm continually having to go back and rewatch episodes to get it right. I hope this was worth the wait.  
**

* * *

When Lux came downstairs the next morning, Nate and Kate were still asleep. Now both of their heads were on the armrest, and she was snuggled deep in his arms. Lux wondered whether they'd woken up and moved or just shifted in their sleep to a more comfortable position. Lux had never seen them so comfortable together, and they looked kind of beautiful like that. She tiptoed away to grab her cell phone and snapped a picture of them, _her parents_, holding each other. Then, there was a knock at the door.

Lux was still in her pajamas, but answered the door, anyway.

"Ryan!" she exclaimed, throwing her arms around him. Lux didn't know how to feel. She adored Ryan and was thrilled to see him (hence the hug), but she also thought it would be...basically disastrous if he saw Cate and Baze in their current state. If Lux was lucky, her exclamation had woken them up.

"Hey, Lux," he said, smiling at her a little sheepishly. "I'm here to pick up my stuff. I know I'm early, but…I kind of wanted to get it over with."

"Oh. Um…one second, okay? I'm just going to…tidy the place up," Lux said, running into the house.

Ryan trailed behind her, stepping into the foyer. "Lux, you don't have to clean…"

Then he saw the mess Lux was going to clean up: Cate and Baze spooning in front of the television. Cate looked so peaceful. When had he last seen her look like that?

"Ryan," Lux whispered, coming to stand in front of him. "Ryan, it's my fault. I was upset. I was crying, and there was this group hug, and we sat like that all night, watching TV, but then they fell asleep, and I went to the bathroom, and they fell over, and…"

"Breathe, Lux. It's okay."

"If it's okay, then why is your jaw all clenched?" She also noticed that his nostrils were flared, but why add insult to injury?

"Okay, I'm upset. It drives me crazy that she keeps picking him."

"She didn't _pick_ anything," Lux whispered, a bit frantic. "I told you, they just fell asleep."

"That's the thing, Lux. She thinks she wants me. She keeps _trying_ to pick me. But it's him. He's 'the one.' It's him, and she doesn't even see it. Actually, in a messed up way, it makes me feel a little better. She keeps trying to tell me it was nothing, but I'd rather lose what we had for whatever _this_ is," he whispered, gesturing at them, "than for 'nothing.'"

"She loves you, Ryan. She does. She told me about how much she loves you, and how wonderful you are."

"Lux, I can't. I can't talk about this with you. I…look, I'm still part of your life, okay? We can just…leave Cate out of it. I have to go. Just have Cate bring my stuff to work on Monday. Love you, kid." He kissed her on the forehead and left, the door almost slamming behind him.

Cate jerked awake, but Baze's arms instinctively tightened around her and he smiled, nuzzling behind her ear. She smiled, too, and made a little purring noise.

Lux cleared her throat. "Guys?" Kate's eyes popped open. Baze squinted at Lux. "Good morning. Sorry to interrupt, but…"

Her parents sprung apart. "Nothing happened, Lux," Cate exclaimed.

"Yeah, I know. But Ryan…"

"Oh, no. Ryan!" Cate bounded off the couch and out the door, but he was already driving away. She ran back inside and grabbed her phone. She got his voice mail. "Ryan, hey, sorry I was asleep when you got here. Look, Baze and me on the couch? Nothing happened. It didn't mean anything."

"Great," Nate mumbled. "The guy was just starting to not hate me…as much."

"Cate, hang up," Lux said. Cate looked at Lux like she was crazy. Lux tried again, more frantically: "Please stop telling Ryan it was nothing!"

Cate's jaw dropped. She hung up, remembering Ryan's words at the Bridal Expo: "If you risked everything, everything that we had, on something stupid, some mistake, then you're even more screwed up than I thought. Don't bother trying to fix us, Kate. Just fix yourself."

* * *

**AN- Next chapter: A mid-90s flashback to Cate revealing her pregnancy to her mom. Please leave a comment. I really appreciate them.  
**


	7. Chapter 7 Mascot

**AN: Sorry about the huge delay. I currently work two-and-a-half jobs. Only a sick day allowed this new chapter to happen.  
**

* * *

_Lord,_ Kate thought, _Lord, if you would just get me out of this mess—not, like, a miscarriage or anything. _She wrapped her hands protectively around her bulging tummy. _More like a do-over. Perhaps involving a time machine, or this whole thing being a dream? I could wake up and it would be the day of the Winter Formal and I'd still be a virgin and Baze would still have no idea I'm alive._ The kicking in Cate's stomach seemed to say, "But what about me?"

"Yeah, Itty-bitty. I know. That kind of thinking is useless to me and unfair to you. Okay, no time machine. What we really need is a scapegoat."

"Hey, Catie, did you hear?" her little sister Abby crooned as she swept into their bedroom.

"Hear what?"

"Dewey Johnson is in a coma."

"The _Wasp?_"

"Yep," Abby replied, primping her hair in the mirror and examining the lipsticks on Kate's dresser. Abby flopped down on her own bed.

"That's terrible! What happened?"

"He was doing stats at the track meet and there was some kind of accident involving the shot put."

Cate winced.

"They don't think he's going to wake up."

"Seriously?" Cate asked, struggling to keep her voice level. _There is a God! But that means I'm probably going to Hell because poor Dewey Johnson is dying, and all I can think is, "Hooray, scapegoat!"_

Cate felt guilty, but Dewey was perfect for her purposes. He wasn't aware enough to contradict her story. He and Cate were in some of the same academic clubs, so her mom, Laverne, would probably believe they hooked up, and he was geeky enough that Laverne would buy that Cate had kept the relationship secret. His family lived in the trailer park, so her mom probably wouldn't bug them for money, especially with their son in a coma.

The only thing worse than being pregnant would be Laverne knowing Nate Bazile was the father. Cate could already picture it: her mother consuming a box of wine before demanding merry bundles of cash from the Baziles. Cate would be the laughingstock of school, and Nate would think he'd been right all along. At least this way, she could hold on to a different memory of Baze.

One day, he'd called out her name in the hall, his voice full of caring or longing or some other thing she couldn't name. She had pretended not to hear and kept walking, afraid that the unnamable quality in his voice was actually pity. Then he had put his hand on her shoulder. She had flinched, afraid he would discover her secret, and had run away. But she would never forget the warmth of his voice and his touch.

Cate began to cry.

"Are you crying over Dewey? You barely knew the guy!"

Cate just sobbed harder.

"Hey, it's alright," Abby said, moving onto Cate's bed and drawing her sister into a hug. The hug felt strange. Abby knew Cate had put on weight, but she hadn't expected her sister's stomach to be so round and firm. "What the hell?"

"I'm…I'm pregnant. It's Dewey's."

"Oh, honey," Abby crooned, her arms still around Cate. A moment later, Cate detected her sister was shaking.

"Abby, are you…are you laughing?"

"No," she chortled, trying to choke back laughter. Cate grabbed a pillow and whacked Abby with it.

"You're laughing at my _tragic circumstances_!"

"You're right," Abby said, reigning in her laugher. "Are you in love with Dewey?"

"What? No!"

"Okay. So you were driven by _lust?_ No offense, but I just don't see it. The long legs and knobby knees? The wasp costume?_" _Abby dissolved into laughter again._  
_

Kate hadn't thought this through. "He's smart and funny." Both true. "And he was kind to me. And I was bored."

"Next time? Get a hobby."

* * *

"You lost your virginity to _the wasp?"_

"Yes, Mother."

"The _wasp?"_

"He has a name, Mom. It's…" for a second her mind went blank. "Dewey. And the condom was faulty. I'm pregnant."

"So we'll go to the clinic."

"For prenatal care? Yeah, I've been doing that, but your insurance will be really helpful. Thanks," Cate acidly replied.

"That's not what I meant."

"I know what you meant, Mom. It's too late for an abortion." She raised the hem of her flannel shirt, exposing her baby bump. "I'm going to have the baby."

"What, and raise it? I'm too young to be a grandmother."

"You're right, Mom. It _would_ affect my future."

"Oh, honey, you know that's what I meant."

"I've already looked into it. I'm giving the baby up for adoption."

"Oh, thank God. I mean, if that's what you want, I'll support you."

**

* * *

**

Her mother and sister bought the story. Cate managed to get through the school year without anyone realizing she was pregnant. They went to visit her grandparents in Spokane for the summer and came back in September. Then Lux was born and, after a brief recovery time, Cate went back to school.

A few friends asked where she'd been.

"Oh, you know my flakey mother. She got it in her head that we needed to go on a trip. I _told _her school started two weeks ago. She said, 'Catie, everyone knows you don't learn anything in the first two weeks of school!'"

Then they would laugh, and that was it. No one dug deeper. Mostly, Cate as relieved—she'd managed to have and give up the baby without anyone finding out— but part of her was disappointed. Cate's whole world had changed, and no one—not even her best friends—had even suspected. _Can anyone see me or hear me?_

By habit, she placed a hand on her belly. It was empty.

* * *

**To those of you who have been so patient, or who have requested updates, thank you. Your encouragement means a lot. **

**Now I just have to reconcile where my mind was headed last year to what's going on this year. Wish me luck!**


	8. Chapter 8 Dead Air

**AN: Can't sleep. Still coughing, so here's a new chapter! P.S. I did a ridiculous amount of research. My memories of the early nineties needed verification. **

**P.S. it's a total coincidence that this morning I posted a chapter where Cate tells her mom she's pregnant and tonight they finally discussed it on the show. It's like I'm psychic, over here...except that I did not predict we'd get to season 2. Go, us!  
**

* * *

"So did Dewey Johnson ever wake up?" Lux asked. She'd just gotten Cate to explain why Laverne had believed that someone other than Baze was the father. In truth, Lux wanted to know what it'd been like: the brief time before Cate gave her up.

"Yeah, but I didn't see him much after that. He had some brain damage, and some of his muscles atrophied from being in a coma so long. He had to go through a lot of physical therapy and training. But everything turned out fine for him. He married a nice girl he met in college, and I heard he was one of the developers of Farmville."

* * *

"So Baze, seriously, you can't do math?" Lux asked later that week while dishing up some Chinese food at her father's apartment.

"What do you mean?"

"Cate told me when I as born, she disappeared all summer, then had to miss the first few weeks of school. You couldn't do the math that she was missing _nine months _after you conceived a child?"

"No, I could do the math. I thought she was mourning you, when you would have been born."

"Oh. I guess that makes sense."

"And not long after, she got back to normal. She was studying really hard, blowing the curve in every class. Driving me _crazy _in student council."

"Like nothing had happened?" Lux asked, trying to sound casual.

"Actually, one thing was different. She always had a Walkman."

_Interesting,_ Lux thought, _that there was a change. That it was so small, but Baze noticed it._

"Those things that play cassettes?"

Baze laughed, because Lux had a singular talent for making him feel ancient. "Yeah, although most of them played the radio, too. Fall of our junior year, she suddenly always had a Walkman, and she listened to it between classes, or when she was reading. I always used to wonder what she was listening to."

* * *

Kate's senior year was spent listening to KPSU, the new radio station started by Portland State University, but junior year was harder.

Postpartum depression hit Cate hard. During the first five months she was pregnant, Cate had drawn away from her friends and family. Once her mom and Abby found out, she got them back, but their attention was not the most comforting. Cate had this space around her—this silence. While she was pregnant, though, she had the baby to keep her company. In her head, she would talk to the baby, and it was like she was never alone. After giving her little girl away, though, there was nothing but dead air.

Kate had always loved the radio. She loved music, but since her dad left Laverne, there wasn't a lot of extra cash around to buy cassettes. Listening to the radio was free. After the winter formal, though, Cate couldn't even listen to the radio anymore. The Spin Doctors were everywhere. "Two Princes" reached #7 on the Billboard Hot 100, so every time she turned on the radio, it was playing. In January, the band was on the cover of _Rolling Stone. _One afternoon, she tuned in to PBS, and they were performing a version of the song on _Sesame Street. _

"IS NOTHING SACRED?" Cate screamed.

She threw down the remote control, scrounged for a little cash and stomped out of the house, bound for a record shop downtown instead of the one she usually frequented at in the mall. All Cate knew was that she needed some new music: something that was nothing like The Spin Doctors.

She found a place that looked perfect. A half-dozen grungy college kids leaned against the front of the building smoking. When she entered, most of the place was milk crates full of vinyl, but there was wall of cassettes. The other walls were covered with tattered fliers for local bands— either advertising gigs or soliciting new band members. Cate wished for the millionth time that she could sing better or play an instrument.

She was relieved that the music playing on the shop's sound system wasn't Top 40. Anything by The Spin Doctors could cause her a nervous breakdown, but the #1 song of the year, "I Will Always Love You," could also make her cry. Other songs, like "Boom! Shake the Room" and "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" were just wearing her nerves. The only problem was that Cate didn't know any of the bands in this awesome store. She was lost.

Then she fell under the trance of the song playing, and all her anxiety faded away: "I want to hold the hand inside you. I want to take a breath that's true. I look to you and I see nothing. I look to you to see the truth." The guitar was beachy, but the singer's voice was echoed and haunting.

"Who _is _this?" Cate wondered aloud.

"Mazzy Star," replied the cashier. "Their brand new album, _So Tonight That I Might See_." She picked a copy out of a rack and handed the cassette to Cate. Cate gazed at the cover art, which looked like worn pink fabric.

"I need this, and more like it," Cate said. "I just…I can't take it anymore."

"Top 40 got you down, kid?" The cashier flicked back a red dreadlock. Cate had never met a white girl with dreads before. The cashier also had a silver nose ring; a fitted work shirt with "Steve" embroidered on the breast pocket; highwater pants with millions of skinny orange, yellow and red horizontal stripes; and heavy Doc Martens. Her skin was porcelain-pale, and she wore matte red lipstick, a look that would be all the rage in a few years. At the time, Cate found it intimidating, yet fascinating.

_'Kid.' I wish I felt like a kid._ "I just can't take any more of the Spin Doctors!"

"For me it's that 'How Do You Talk to an Angel' song. The Heights isn't even a real band! They're a band from a TV show that was canceled a year ago! Can we please stop playing it? Okay, musical guilty pleasures: mine is 'Rumpshaker.' Yours?"

Cate laughed before admitting, "'To Be With You' by Mr. Big. "

"Classic!"

"But I'd love to listen to more music like this," she said, gesturing to the tape in her hand

"Let me get you something," the cashier said before pawing around in the overflowing Eastpack she kept behind the counter. She drew out a stack of cassettes with hand-written covers, selected one carefully and handed it to Cate. She skimmed the scrawled names: Yoko Ono, The Cure, Ani DiFranco, The Pixies, Dar Williams, Barenaked Ladies, Indigo Girls, The Beatles, Pearl Jam, Nirvana. "It's a weird mix of folk and rock, but I think you'll dig it."

"Thanks, but you don't have to do that," Cate said.

"I want to! Someday, I'll have my own radio show, but until then I'll use mix tapes to bring quality music to the masses."

"Thanks, Steve," Cate said.

The cashier laughed before ringing up the Mazzy Star cassette. "Actually, it's Margo."

Margo was one of the founders of KPSU, and she gradually guided Cate into the world of independent music, playing cool tracks for her and making her mixes. Later, when Cate attended Portland State, Margo got her a position at KPSU.

During Cate's last two years of high school, Margo's music got her through the loneliness and inspired a future career. It killed the dead air and guaranteed that Cate never had to hear "Two Princes."

* * *

**Two chapters in 24 hours? Crazy Talk! And where did this Margo chick come from? My imagination has a life of its own. Like I don't have enough to deal with between Cate, Baze, Lux and Ryan! **

**Thanks for the feedback, 0Twisted-Symphony6. All comments are welcome and appreciated.  
**


End file.
